My Wife Got Pulled Over for Drunk Driving Last Night!

We'd been partying all night, it's true. Doing crazy things that, frankly, people our age rarely have the energy to do. We felt like a couple of teenagers again and stayed out way too late. It was about 1:15 AM, to be exact--on a Thursday night no less. It was fun, but we were worn out. As always, we were the last to leave. Lights out. Doors locked. All we had to do was drive safely home.

Because she had some errands earlier that day, we were in separate cars. I took a shorter route home and was a minute ahead of Julie when she called me on my cell phone.

"Hey, Tom, you might want to come back here. I just got pulled over."

"By a cop?" I asked, as if "pulled over" has many cultural nuances.

"I think so." she whispered.

"You think it's a cop? Why did you stop if you're not sure it's a cop?"

"I'm pretty sure... I mean there are red and blue lights going around and I'm squinting in the rearview mirror because his lights are shining so bright at the car, but he hasn't come up to my window yet."

"He's running your plates. Just sit there and keep calm."

"Okay. I'll just stay on the phone until I see his badge. Here he comes." I heard the window roll down. Julie was first to speak.
"Hello, Officer, is everything all right?"

"Ma'am, were you on your cell phone while I was following you?"

"No. I didn't even know you were back there until you turned on the siren-light thingy. Then I called my husband because you didn't come out of your car and it was making me nervous."

"Well, Ma'am, you make me nervous..." Click... Silence.
Julie had closed her cell phone and hung up on me in the middle of the policeman's sentence. She later told me it was part of an attempt to look less nervous.

By then, I was pulling in our driveway, trying to decide if it would help or hurt matters if I went back to the scene. Julie has never gotten a ticket in her life--that's right... never. Not one. I knew that would definitely help her case.

Speaking of cases. Come to find out, that was the problem. It was the cases of empty brown bottles in the van’s rear window that raised the officer's concern. Oh, how I wished I had not stacked them high above the window line and that Julie had not lit them up with all the inside "accent" lights.

I'd better explain from the beginning or you will begin wondering what sort of double life the man at POI is living....

As you all know, I'm the administrator of a fine school I don't mention by name on my blog. For about six years in a row, my wife and I have helped out with the Sadie Hawkins Party. It's a high school "reverse courtesy" event (i.e. girls ask guys), but most of the kids just come as friends and have a great time. Each year, the Senior Class chooses a theme and does most of the work with the help of some teachers and parents. Last year was a "Ho-Down" out in a barn; this year, was a 1950's "Sock Hop" at the roller rink. There were lots of other activities, but I'll cut to the chase...

We had purchased six cases of bottled pop at Sam's Club. We chose to get bottles as part of the whole "retro" atmosphere. You should have seen us and the students, by the way. There was a couple dozen poodle skirts, white socks, rolled jeans. They looked great. I had my hair slicked back, a leather jacket, and an old pair of "Buddy Holly" black horn-rim glasses.

There's no school today, so the party was late by design with the last part being a big-screen Fifties movie, popcorn, and root beer floats back at the school. ANYWAY!.... After the party, Julie and I and the seniors were cleaning up the gym, and I carried three cases of empty Jones Pop bottles and three cases of empty IBC Root Beer bottles out to our van (to return to Sam's Club for the 10 cent/bottle deposit).

You POI faithful readers know a few things about me. I'm kind of a nostalgia buff. I enjoy knowing the history of odd little cultural things like my favorite soft drink, Vernors. You also know from a series of six posts last March, that I have my reasons for being a total abstainer from alcohol. Part five applies to the good clean fun our kids had last night. [Parts 1-3, 4, and 6.] My wife and I don't drink and never have. The "retro" brown bottles were originally used by early 20th Century drug stores and soft drink bottlers because light shortened the shelf life of their product.

As naive as this may sound, it did not occur to me what stacks of empty IBC Root Beer bottles would look like to a police officer following my wife after 1:00 in the morning. He says she was swerving a little and that her tires hit the yellow line once. There is a little more play in the steering wheel than Julie is used to, but the soft lines of her driving were not the real issue. Some other signs led the officer to understandable conclusions.

"Where are you coming from?" he asked.

"A party." Julie said blankly.

"You better explain that..." Natalie whispered. (Nat is not in high school and stayed at a friend's house where she was sleeping until Julie picked her up after the party.)

The officer shined his flashlight on our youngest daughter bundled in PJs and a coat in the passenger seat. With her knit hat pulled down to her groggy eyes, she looked like a kid-napped, homeless midget.

The officer must have thought, What's a kid that age doing out in the wee hours on a school night? but all he said was, "Is that your child?"

Julie smiled and explained the whole evening right up to my loading the van... and then her eyes lit up. "Oh, you saw the bottles in the back window. That's why you pulled me over, right?"

"They caught my eye, Ma'am, and at this hour of the night, you looked pretty suspicious. I could go the rest of my career an not hear an explanation so opposite what I was thinking... but I need to see your license just the same."

He ran her license and must have been impressed that a lady of... well... nearly my age (though she looks much younger--especially in a poodle skirt)... has never had a single ticket. He simply walked back to her window, handed her the license and said, "You have a good night, Ma'am."

I am very grateful for the men in blue who take no chances in such matters. There is nothing funny about people who drink and drive, but I’m sure he had a laugh telling the story (as I have telling you this morning!).

That officer was not the first man to be "won over" by Julie's disarming charm, calm smile, honest voice, and good clean livin'. I was, too...
nearly thirty years ago!
.
.
[Next chapter about the Duncan Phyfe still coming. I could not resist telling you Julie got busted. We could all use a good laugh right about now.]